When we have our children, we are fully invested in their well-being - as we should be. I have learned, through the years, that we also live with a lot of guilt, and in our hearts, many of us live with the mindset of, “Did I do enough for my child/children today?” Or “Am I a good mother?”
At times, when my daughters (5 girls) were younger, if I hadn’t put the snack in their lunchboxes, I felt like a failure. My daughters are adults now, but I still live with guilt. I’m saying the same thing, “Did I do enough for my children?” I have carried the decisions that they have made (on their own) and I have owned it as though I did it.
I only have a relationship with one daughter, and she fills my heart with love and happiness, like I have never felt. This is because she has made the decision to love her dad and I, through thick and thin.
My other daughters made the decision(s), on their own, not to have a relationship with me and that’s fine. What is not fine is when (like last night), I made a call to an individual who knew my daughter (that passed away), very well. The reception I received was nasty, to say the least, and told me horrible things that my deceased daughter had said about me before she passed away, ( I didn’t need to hear it and her memory shouldn’t have been tarnished), and so many lies that my other daughters have said about my character. In a nutshell, my character has been assassinated. He asked me questions regarding things, “that I did.” I was shocked, and hurt. I denied all the lies he shared about me. They were so terrible. I pray and I know G-d will remove the hurt from my heart. I now understand why the family I grew up with no longer want to talk to me. Many years ago, I would call them as I was going through awful times, but no one came to help me. Only Gil.
My other daughters were influenced by my ex-husband of 14 years, and his mother. I left him because, to be honest, he was not interested in what I had to offer as a female. You can figure it out.
Today, August 20, 2024, I’m still being blamed for what 30 year olds are experiencing in their lives. I love all of my daughters, despite what they have said about me or will say about me.
MOMS…don’t carry guilt when your children are young because it will carry into the future. Once your kids leave the nest, or to be quite frank, decisions that are made when they are teenagers behind your back. These are their mistakes to make and not your burden to carry.
Eighteen years ago, I was clinically diagnosed with PTSD. This condition was brought on by years of abuse by my ex-husband, and his family. The way I can overcome this (what recently occurred) and the realization of carrying burdens that do not belong to me, is to pray, truly give it to G-d, and live in the present. Honestly, one day at a time, plus not looking to the past. The Word even tells us to not even concern ourselves with tomorrow.
Philippians 3:13 “…I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead…”
I’m writing this as a way to process my grief, and let go of the past. I didn’t realize until last night and early this morning (with Gil’s help), that I’ve not allowed my heart to release my daughters. I still see them as little girls, that still need me and carrying their bad decisions as though they were mine; I relive errors, I have made in the past over and over in my mind. Enough! It’s time for my healing to begin. The goodness and love I poured over ALL of my daughters, and I never withheld my affections from them nor would I, I will begin to pour over me and those who truly love me. If my estranged children walked through my door with a repentant heart, I would let them in and love them. However, the days of me carrying guilt for their decisions are over.
Today I start caring for myself and loving me. I recall a memory from when I was about 8-9 years old. Our teacher was conducting a mini course on hygiene, and she said, “You want to brush your teeth, bathe, and put on clean clothes. Right? Because this is the way you say, “I love me.” I raised my hand and said, ”I don’t love myself.” This wasn’t because I wasn’t clean, but because I wasn’t loved at home. Her response, “Sure you do,” but the look on her face was heartbreak. Again, today I begin my love for my mental health, spiritual healing through the Saving Grace of Our Messiah Yeshua.
Moms: If you are still here reading this, don’t forget to love yourself today. You are special too, and the work you do each and every day is beautiful. I may not know you, but I will pray for you. Plus, if you want to leave me a message through our website, I’ll get back with you.
Shalom! Sending hugs and prayers
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